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I feel drunk with power when I go to delete an app and all the other apps quiver in fear
Me deciding what I’m going to be sad about today: / Childhood trauma / Inability to see a future where I’m not a fucking loser / Being fat / Broke as fuck / Lack of purpose
I'm going to fight a Rottweiler / Noon! You're going to get killed you stupid ratdog! / I'm a 150 pounds and want to sit in your lap / Ok
I organized our base bro
POV: You're a retired Austrian scientist and just got a box delivered you didn't order... / Schrööööödingeeer!!!
The microwave at 1 second / Me at 3 am
Living the dream / 9 A.m. / 1 P.m. / 3 P.m. / Fap fap / 5 P.m. / 7 P.m. / 9 P.m. / 11 P.m. / 2 A.m. / Living the dream
People: Life is like a roller coaster. / My life:
You good bro? / Haha yeah just tired
Camouflage pants are getting better and better
You pull out a loose hair from your scalp / It has a large white bit on the end / You pull the white bit off with your fingers
Manager: You need to socialize with your coworkers more. / Me: *Hang on, let me just find the part where it mentions I need to be friends with my colleagues in my contract...*
Doctor: You need to eat 3 meals a day. / Me: Write me a prescription for some food stamps then.
You don’t lose your real friends when you leave a job, they just go from “work besties” to “besties”…
When your headphones cable saves your phone from hitting the ground, but now the headphones are broken / A soul for a soul
When you just finished a whole pizza and you're not sure if you're disgusted with yourself, or want to finish strong with an ice cream
When somebody asks me to list my personality traits / Unpleasant / Dysfunctional / Intriguing / Unsure