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Friend: This is so darn good! You should definitely listen to this! / Me: Knowing full well I'll never listen to anything other than my 40 song playlist I've been listening to since 2011 / I'll put it on the list.
When your cat chooses to sit on your friend's lap instead of yours:/This is widely considered one of the biggest anime betrayals of evolutionary history
Fear / Anger / Hatred / When you press the sample button on a toy at the store and nothing happens
When a kid just roasted the life outta you and now u gotta tell em Santa Claus ain't real / Ahem
Did you know? / To avoid being heard by sharks, marine iguanas can stop their own hearts for up to 45 minutes. / Iguanas / Sharks
The security of all my accounts / That one password
The dysphoria leaving my body after someone tells me to / "Just be normal"
Hears noise in house at 2am when the whole family is asleep / The 1 inch thick, 1 meter long steel pipe under my bed / It's showtime...
Sunday night mode:/Monday morning mode:
Shout out to the doctor who looked at my physical results and said 'you will live to 100!' and then looked at my mental health results and said '...if you want to'/Alternative highlight: when he finished the physical examination and instead of saying 'you can sit up now' he just slapped my leg like the roof of a car/*Slaps leg* This bad boy can live to 100 (if they want to)
Our veteran friend teaching us how to play the game / The first level
My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm./Getting a job, going to college, starting a family/This is brilliant./Farting loud enough to trigger a car alarm/But I like this.
My last three brain cells checking in on me after I said I would study all day / What has he been doing? / Absolutely nothing
Me waiting for the year to end, as if everything will change simply by entering a new year
Food packaging saying 'Serves 4 people' / Me eating the whole thing
Me at the supermarket: / Coca-cola
Me after becoming an adult / And I knew exactly what to do / But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do
Studies show the soul leaves the body when it's had enough / Me 5 minutes into my shift