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Son / I have acquired a conical bacteriophage for your birthday / Thank you thank you Papa / I love it
Tell me you have cats without telling me you have cats
When you see a note on the fridge by your wife that says "It's not working" / And you realize you had double chocolate chip ice-cream in there
Me after going through a breakup:/Me:/Those were the best years of my life./My best friend:/The best years of your life so far.
When you screw up big time and both of your parents were there to witness it / Prepare for trouble! / And make it double!
Oh that's weird, my leather coral is randomly missing a chunk out of it, I wonder what happ- / My crab: hat / Hat
His soap addiction is ruining his life and family / Dawn ultra / 50% less scrubbing / 3x more grease cleaning power / Dishwashing liquid
Me, super short with a high pitched voice / *Going through puberty* / Me exactly the same, but now with ass hair
Me: *cries and screams in front of people because wants ice cream* / Mom: "we have ice cream at home" / Ice cream at home:
Me: *Fills up my dogs food bowl* / My dog: / Now, say my name.
Human fingers can feel objects as small as 13 nanometers. This means that, if your finger were the size of the Earth, you could feel the difference between houses from cars. / Me, who has normal sized fingers but can still feel the difference between houses and cars: / Signature look of superiority
Me tired from work/school / Me when I get a message from my friends asking to play video games with them
Mom forgets the keys inside the house / Me at 8 years old
When you haven't combed in 2 days and run your fingers through your hair:
Other people: / Brandy / Footed Pilsner / White Wine / Red Wine / Me, an intellectual: / Choccy milk
Just end the sentence! / Writers
The smell of the lumber section at Home Depot / Dopamine / My brain
When you see someone accidentally ram their foot into the coffee table and they don't react to it / Mom come pick me up I'm scared