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Setting alarms every ten minutes so that I'll definitely wake up on time / My half-asleep brain with enough control over my body to turn off every single one of those bad boys
Steam's new disclaimer: Purchasing a game doesn't mean you own it. / Gamers: / And so began the Great Pirate Era!
Everyone:/ *Complaining about loot boxes being gambling for children* / Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh card producers:
Playing The Sims and knowing this is the only time I will ever own property and be in control of my life / Half-crying, half-laughing
People when they turn 50: *throws a big birthday party* / Me when I turn 50: / Celebrating 50 years of failure
People telling me that I'm a good listener / Socially awkward me who doesn't know how to reply
Spotify / Volume / Mute / Do Not Disturb On / No messages / New messages will appear here / Only me Only me
My plant: *grows an extra leaf over night* / Me next morning: / I'm really proud of you.
My cat when he lies on me / My cat when I lie on him
I have two sides / Loser on social media / Loser in real life
Me / Literally anything else on my phone / The reason I opened my phone
How it started how it's going / So now even trucks getting more love than me?
Fuck zodiac signs, how do you hang toilet paper? / Under / Over / Me:
Batman: Now talk / Dude who was doordashing the jokers food
Deep sea fish in the bottom of a trench / Deep sea fish when they are taken onto the surface
Crocodiles having the strongest bite force of all reptiles / Crocodiles also having the weakest jaw opening force of all reptiles
Chasing your tail. / Chasing squirrels. / Chasing cars. / Chasing your dreams of being a good boy.
A photo taken through my works toilet paper
When you've been happy for more than a couple of days and life hasn't hit you yet / That's suspicious...
When you hear a group of people talking near you and they start talking noticeably quieter:
When they say they love all your flaws and you weren't aware you had any.
When someone pops up in your life / Making you all happy, you be like / 'Who sent you'
My reaction towards everything at this point
Me after telling someone I forgive them and then realizing later on that I'm actually still angry and there's nothing I can do about it