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When someone tells a lie but you can't expose them without exposing your own lie
The one weird thing about cats is that “murder mode” isn’t the first photo, but the second one
shows friend an ugly photo of me / Me: Omg i look so ugly / Friend: Wdym? That’s how you normally look
Selling this baby deer. he around 4 months, not got lie occasionally he barks but that's only cause he bilingual. Message me for prices
One of the ancient birbs demonstrates his planet destruction ability.
My friends: I’m not a hater but- / Me: don’t worry. I am
People: buying rats at the pet store / Me, who just stopped taking out the trash and rats showed up on their own / Signature look of superiority
Me when my actions are misinterpreted and i'm no longer in control of the way people see me
Me when i have kids you forget to pick me up from School / Who is this
Me looking both ways down a one-way street because I have no faith in humanity
Me finishing all of the junk food in my fridge today so I can start fresh and eat healthy tomorrow
Me everyday: i hate mornings / Someone: let’s travel!! / Me up at 4:45 am to catch a flight
Man sleeping on floor with $20 mattress / $160 chair / $104,200.84 profit display
Kids today want iPhones and when I was a kid, I wanted this
If there are no questions we can end this call early / I have a question
Hydroflask this, stanley cup that. I need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil
I love eating spicy wings / Me, a few hours later
Me, every gd night / I am going to create a tea that i will forget to drink
Him : “are u stupid?” / Me
When you see your post has got a lot of comments / When you realize it's just 2 people arguing about something unrelated to the post
When you forget to set the alarm but you still wake up at the right time / The laws of time are mine
When someone asks about my dreams and ambitions / Oh, long gone.
Time traveler: farts / The timeline
The thing i swallowed in 2007 finally reaching maturity