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Me replying "Same to you" to every happy new year text from friends and family / Sarcasm
A few days ago I was exploring an abandoned mansion and I found an overgrown swimming pool with computers in it / It's their natural habitat, don't disturb them / They're phishing
Whirling, screaming head / If a hot dog had legs would it run longwise or tall-style; see figure below
Hey / Oh yea, I have nobody to talk to
How it feels when you carry the team so hard they all send friend requests
Wendy Hasson MD @WendyHassonMD / For all those pillow hoarders out there, behold my "I don't have to share my king bed with anyone" 5 pillow nest creation. / I know there is a subset of people who will understand.
Me: *Tries to sleep* / Every mistake I have ever made:
Egg cooking times / 2 mins / 4 mins / 6 mins / 8 mins / Let it boil till i say oh shit the egg
Nobody: / Bookshelves in videogames:
Me, not playing for two days / All the skill I had in the game
When you're so in love with your significant other that y'all just chillin but you want to be touching them always
You ok babe? / You haven’t touched your all-cucumber sushi, aka cushi
Computer: "Would you like to save file as ghibchkwug6uejpka.jpg?" / Me:
When you're downloading a 100 GB game / And the download stops at 99%
When you try to make a honest tinder profile / Free kitten - a bit fat but otherwise lovely and very talented (Bel Air)
When it's your shy friend's birthday and you say you're gonna tell the waiter / Don't..
When I'm in first place in Mario Kart and someone overtakes me and immediately gets hit by a blue shell / You get what you fucking deserve
What kinda graphics can your PC handle? / Potato / Ultra / High / Medium / Low / SuperRetro / Potato
Me: Oh! This place has free wifi. / The wifi: To sign in please enter your name, email and zip code. / How about no
The first thing our new hire did was fix a bug that's been bugging him forever as a user prior to joining. / He then breathed a sigh of relief and submitted his two weeks' notice. / Wtf??
The dishes
Fuck zodiac signs, tell me how you apply thermal paste
Starts playing on phone during a show / Misses important scene / Rewinds way too far by mistake / Gets back on phone while waiting for the scene / Misses the scene again
My brain: Put it on your head / Me: Why? / My Brain: Just do it
