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My 5 page paper when I finish it at 3 am / My 5 page paper when I read it at 8 am
Me when the floor is wet and I forgot my smartphone in another room
Me bringing baggage from my last relationship into my new one like
Them: Just keep trying and you'll succeed / Me after trying for 15 seconds / You lied to me.
It turns out that it doesn’t matter how early I go to bed. / I literally just don't want to go to work
Is there any color more based than orange? / oranges / Gods glorious sunlight / my piss / basketballs / Fresh autumn leaves / pumpkins
I'm a genius. truly, it is a privilege to know me / I am a once in a lifetime oaf. never in the course of human history has there been anyone dumber than me
I think Gods next test for me should be "can he handle a ridiculous amount of money"
Therapist: Tell me what's on your mind / Me: I don't wish to frighten you
Hottest things in the known universe / Wash: 1.200 °C / The Sun 5505 °C / Quasar: 10.000.000.000.000 °C / Radiator knob screw: 1.000.000.000.000.00.000.000.000 °C
Have you ever tried to imagine a skinny snorlax?
6 Year old me moving the snail out of my driveway / Come. This is no place to die.
Your heart is a muscle / TRAIN IT.
When your joke ruins the evening but you know it was fire
When someone posted a cringey video so you rush to the comments but everyone was so nice and you realize maybe you're the problem
When Sherlock arrives on the crime scene and sees one molecule of dust / Oh, yeah. It's all coming together.
when i buy a chocolate croissant, this is how much chocolate i expect it to have inside / this isn't a chocolate croissant, this is a chocolate wellington
him: what yo ass crying bout now / me: ain't nobody crying , bitch!
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